Saturday, November 6, 2010

this hasnt exactly been easy for me either.

why do we dwell on things from the past? like im an overthinker so i think about something for days before i settle it in my mind, bad habit. but somehow i tend to think sometimes way too much. and idk why im opening up here just am. need to get it off my chest. you know everytime something has happened its taken a piece of me away and ive gotten a little stronger, or so i tell myself. maybe ive gotten weaker and ignored the fact that weakness is a sign of strength? maybe somethings wrong with me? do alot of people do this? idk its so hard to let somethings go for me, i hold onto things that are important to me and sometimes thats NOT a good thing, and i tend to gravitate towards the happier things in my life. which is yet again NOT always a good thing. basically every good memory stores itself into my important things and from time to time i think about these good memories and get either nostalgic or really sad, depending on the memory.
Nostalgia is often triggered by something reminding the individual of an event or item from their past. The resulting emotion can vary from happiness to sorrow. The term of "feeling nostalgic" is more commonly used to describe pleasurable emotions associated with and/or a longing to go back to a particular period of time.

i guess it is common.  idk people change, things change, im constantly changing sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. but who knows maybe ill be able to make everything in my head ok someday. for being so young i feel like i have a lifetimes worth of memories. some bad, and alot good. sorting through them has been a very hard task to do over the years. and most of them i cant remmeber alot about that particular person i just remember that memory of them, like last names i cant remember alot of times, or eye colors, or smells. memories fade someone once told me. ha yeah right if they did drugs. memories are like photographs to me. they dont fade for me.

idk anyways, i smoke to many cigarettes and think to much go figure right.
so my book i got is good i guess, i havent gotten past chapter one yet, its pretty long come to think of it, esp for some1's family history. but hopeffuuully it turns out great. i keep getting in these creative moods, one minute i want to paint all over the walls the next i want to paint over the paintings. im so damn indecisive sometimes it drives me crazy.

and that goes for everything in my life nowadays. i want to smoke, i dont want to smoke. i want to settle down, i dont want to settle down. i want and then dont want. im confusing. and im sure ill never fully figure myself out so why do people keep trying to figure me out? i mean sometimes i give up on figuring myself out so idk how these people dont do that and keep trying.

i guess im being a little harsh on myself tonight..
i noticed earlier i have alot of pet peeves...
like the following are a few;;
i hate wistling, when people cant make decisions for themselves, insecurity, jealousy, scars, when my area is messed with, being interuppted, shit talking, rain unless im going to bed, wind, chill bumps, certain smells, the sound ppl make when chewing or drinking, retarded statements, tripping, immaturity, and people who dont say what they mean to or mean what they say.
and i mean thats a few the list goes on and on.
thats sad. horrible, i need to lighten up.
lets see goals over the next year would be as follows;;;;
1. job
2. car
3. my own apartment in my name.
4. continue modeling.
5. expand my clothes and shoe collection. more vintage stuff.
6. truelly find happiness in myself.
7. be content with every decision made.
8. keep moving forward no matter what. never look back.
9. do not let anyone or anything bring me down.
10. start school.
11. do NOT cut my hair. bangs are ok though.

well im going to bed i think even though im not tired at all. all i want for christmas is ankle boots ( the heel kind preferably two pairs, must be super high heels) and 2 pairs of plain black super tight 00 straight leg jeans. oh and a make up shopping spree. and maybe a few new rings mine are getting a little old. oh annnnnd a pair of non see through leggings please. if i get all that ill be so happy i might cry this year. lol be happy on christmas for once.. is it a possibility? we'll see.

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