Tuesday, November 23, 2010


dear jake.

by Stephanie Walden on Wednesday, November 17, 2010 at 1:11am
i wish so bad you were here.
you would help me through all this.
you would keep me strong.
you would be proud of me.
you would still be my big brother.

i wish you didnt have to go.
i know everything happens for a reason.
but didnt god know i needed you here to keep me strong?
didnt he know i needed your advice, and trust, and love?
 didnt he know i needed you as my bestfriend?

i miss you more than anything.
i think about you everyday.
i know your happy up there.

all i can do now is hope you can hear me talking to you.

you would love travis.
hes just like you.
and i thank everyday for him.
but im scared to lose him.
im not strong enough for that.
if i lose him i lose myself.

pease give me a sign itll all be ok.
i love you and ill see you again one day.

damned if u do, bored if you dont.

by Stephanie Walden on Tuesday, October 26, 2010 at 8:53am
i constantly find myself getting wrapped up in thoughts of the past.. things i need to let go of.. things i need to move on from.. you always want your life to be the perfect fairy tale.. when in reality we all go through pain.. we cry... we hurt.. we lose.. everything in life has its ups & downs.. you just have to make the choice of what is actually worth it.. you can't expect people to change into what you want them to be.. you will always be disappointed.. one of the hardest things in life is accepting reality. this has always been a struggle of mine. sometimes the smallest things can make you feel like the world is coming to an end.. you have to know that everything gets easier.. everything passes.. and with time everything will be fine..

take my heart <3

by Stephanie Walden on Tuesday, August 17, 2010 at 12:59am
make as much noise as you can.noone is here to listen.
i read your feelings like a book.
loud and obnoxious your thoughts turn out to be.
i believe in second chaces but a million chances have run out.
lets make this epic.
more beautiful than the music that rings through your voice.
slowely beginning to turn this into a movie like scene.
i hold my breath because i dont want this to end.
impatient and imperfect.
youve waited long enough.
my heart is all yours.

so little the words we speak.

by Stephanie Walden on Saturday, July 10, 2010 at 5:04am
i call and i call.
i speak and i speak.
the words i say fall on deaf ears.
noone ever listens anymore.
5 am calls my name.
dragging at the corners.
ive hurt these people i miss the most.
and now i reap the seeds of pain ive sewn.
i scratch and i scratch at the scars.
hoping they only seem to be fading.
because atleast to me they seem real.
they took a place card in my life.
a memory in my mind.
like the smoke from your mouth.
i miss the memories of you.
and more likely im going to see them when i lay asleep.
missing talking to you.
you. have gone from here.
found a new nitch in your life you love to live now.
and i live alone with my scars and seeds.
and i sew and i sew them into webs we weave.
and slowely i drain my thoughts onto this screen.
and alone i sit.
and alone i slowely die inside.
waiting for a response to this call.
that will never come.

the alcohol has worn off.
and these sleeping pills dont work anymore.
nowhere to call home.
i moved on to fast.
i sit here, and i think.
about when it was all easier.
but itll never change.
and we'll never be the same.

before its gone.

by Stephanie Walden on Tuesday, March 9, 2010 at 12:00am
if affection spoke louder than words, you'd make me deaf by now.
you make it seem so easy to love me for who i really am.
itd be so hard to watch you go.
so lets not dwell on those things we shouldve said.
its so crazy how itd make my week to just hear them mention your name.
your 1st, and foremost, your always on my mind.
contemplating phrases, im gazing at eternity. im floating in serenity.
and im lost for words. and i am so overwhelmed.
please dont go yet, can you stay fora moment please?

if tomorrow were a moment away,
would you hold this we have
right here, right now?

little ole me.

Birthday:May 9

Siblings:Sydnee Flocka Rhodes
Michelle Nicole
James Walden
Relationship Status:Married to Travis Nolan
Anniversary:September 5, 2010

Looking For:Friendship

Current City:Jacksonville, Florida
Religious Views:Love is my higher power.

Bio------> i do not believe in therapy. i am a strong believer of love, karma and fate. everything in life happens for a reason.
people are always going to try and bring you down, but you can't let that get in your way.
everything i do has to be visually appealing to me.
i am always tired.
i get anxiety attacks like its part of my daily routine.
i have bad hypochondria and im always convinced something is wrong with me.
i read my horoscope weekly.
i dont like being in the same place for more than a few weeks. i constantly want to travel.
i wear over sized shirts as dresses, i have never been a fan of pants.
i can watch the movie yellow submarine on repeat for days.
i wear more bracelets and rings than the average person.
i hate whistling.
i can't stand silence, so i sleep with the t.v on.
waking up with him is the best feeling. and itll never change. were going to get married on day ♥
i prefer night time because i love gazing at stars.
im sensitive.
i eat too much sushi and take too many bubble baths.
no one can compare to my brother, he is the world to me. my aunt is one of the strongest people i know, and always knows the right thing to say. my uncle is a very driven, hard working man, and he is always there for me. he has taught me so much about the world, and i am thankful for that.
im the most organized mess in town.
i could dance for hours.
people always tell me im the hardest person to figure out, and i like it that way.
----> 21 years young. i prefer music on vinyl. i love overcast weather. very petite. i have nostalgia constantly. bad sushi addiction. im constantly dancing. i pronounce milk, melk. bad anxiety.living. magazines. lace. tequila. second hand vintage. raw beauty. books. music. bones. street style. dancing. diet coke. coffee. collarbones. whiskey. seashells. the color teal. arizona peach ice tea. rings, a lot at once. large oversized shades. shoes that make me 7ft tall. dankage. opals. anything that is rare. im always cold. love hot tea. ♥ traveling && sushi && vintage stores && antiquing. I always have late nights. i live on sugar free redbull or monster. i ♥ flannel shirts and sheets. mix tapes are a must. so are sleep overs. i always have battle wounds. I want more finger tattoos. lovvvvve overcast weather. glitter. collages make me happy. messy hair. holding hands sometimes. last nights makeup is always the best. movie nights. fashion. sleeping in. green tea. japanese toys. vintage barbies. black&white photos. over accessorizing. late night free writes. photo booths. photography.

----------> ♥ ive met him, my other half, hes beautiful inside and out, he makes me smile uncontrollably, his voice calms me down, and brings me up, he makes me so happy i could explode, i could talk to him for hours, i could stare at him for days, i couldnt have gotten anyone better, because there is noone better. he stands up for me, and always has my back, he will never let me down or let me go, he has my heart now and forever. ill never lose or replace him. yes hes younger but it keeps me young inside, hes smart, and sarcastic, and funny, and outright amazing. one day soon we will be married, and we will last forever. beyond all doubt, above all questions, he is my soulmate, and i am finally complete. i will share the rest of my life happpily with him. and i want noting more than to spend everyday with him. ily travis richmond nolan.

Favorite Quotations
--"Im living on a freeway, and im running low on ♥ && mistakes."

--"nothing is absolutely definite, until it's absolutely definitely gone"

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."
"Biology says that we are who we are from birth. That our DNA is set in stone. Unchangeable. Our DNA doesn't account for all of us though, we're human. Life changes us. We develop new traits. Become ...less territorial. We start competing. We learn from our mistakes. We face our greatest fears. For better or worse, we find ways to become more than our biology. The risk of course is that we can change too much to the point where we don't recognize ourselves. Finding our way back can be difficult. There's no compass, no map. We just have to close our eyes, take a step, and hope to God we get there."

"When we say things like "people don't change" it drives scientist crazy because change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy. Matter. It's always changing, morphing, merging, growing, dying. It's the way people try not to change that's unnatural. The way we cling to what things were instead of letting things be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing despite every scientific indication that anything in this lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change that's up to us. It can feel like death or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it, it can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment, we can be born all over again."

-"Life and death, energy and peace. If I stop today it was still worth it. Even the terrible mistakes that I made and would have unmade if I could. The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, it was worth it, for having been allowed to walk where I've walked, which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, and above." - gia

Monday, November 22, 2010

id do it for you.

so i officially live at travis's but i have to find a job soon.
i need to dye my hair all one color the blonde is getting old now.
i need to upload videos of trav and brandon lol those two together are a trip.
the fam is watching tinkerbell movie the second one i think.

thanksgiving is on thursday. coming up quick.
lets see what do i have to be thankful for?
for one travis, great and understanding family, and awesome friends.
now if i could only get a job and a car id be even more thankful.
one thing i love about the holidays are how everyone puts aside theyre differences and comes together.
oh and the food. omg the food.
we usually have turkey, ham, ruttebegas, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, veggies, biscuits, and pie. lots of pies.
that is if granny cooks this year.
same on christmas minus the turkey lol.

ive been thinking lately..
why live in the past? its a waste of time.
if you live in the past, you never progress, you never move forward. so the point is if you like to stay in the past then you should, and if you want to better your life and move forward then you shouldnt dwel on things in the past.

my new favorite song at the moment is "right thru me" by nicki minaj.
i love her anyways and that song is just self explanitory. its awesome. lol oh and no hands by roscoe dash, everyones in love with it and ive heard it for 9 months ahead of time.
hmm oh checked the band versaemerge out. they changed my life.
along with the deftones- sextape.
amazing. i love and crave constant new music.
without music i wouldnt survive through life.
anyways sierra kusterbeck from versaemerge is my new idol.
she inspires me. i cant explain it she just does.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

cali in short.

california is amazing(:
we had so much fun.
the drive back was exausting.
we drove 12 hours the first day and 24 the second.
texas is officially boring as hell.
i never want to drive through texas again.
i was so exausted when we got back i slept for 2 days.

we went out last night to the races.
and i gave adam his camera back, or well its at my house since hes trying to say i stole it. which i dont get how did i steal it if he refuses to talk to m so i can give it back? makes no sense right?
anyways so this brandon kid trav hangs out with is exactly like trav. lol they both have adhd..
try riding in the car with them!
im going to upload more videos later of the two hyper kids i just mentioned.
anyways its 8 am in jacksonville, trav is working, im sorta tired.
my nails look horrible lately. i need to re paint them.
so ive decided no more drinking. sober is sexy. and i need to stop anyways.

trav is supposed to be buying me a ring. hopefully he isnt bs-ing about his feelings, but i dont think he is.
im neurotic, and nostalgic, and ocd lately.
im overthinking, and under minding situations.
i miss my hair, and best friend.
and sometimes (only sometimes) i wish i would have never gotten tattoos.
fresh skin has become beautiful to me over time.
but i love all my tattos and dont regret any of them.
im tired, back to bed(:
more later..

throw back.

  • Interests: the beach, zebra print, the city, big eyelashes &black eyeliner, fashion magazines, web/graphic

  • Favourite band or musician: the rocket summer

  • Favourite genre of music: acoustic

  • Favourite poet or writer: the guy no one knows about.

  • Operating System: windows

  • MP3 player of choice: my desktop.

  • Favourite cartoon character: powerpuff girls.

  • Personal Quote: i'm living on a freeway, running low on heart and good mistakes.

  • Tools of the Trade: the simple things in life are the only things that matter.

  • i miss my hair. its getting long again(:
    heres some oldies but goodies!

    before the tattoos, and haircuts.
    before all the weight loss.
    and partying.
    when innocence made sense.

    Friday, November 19, 2010

    thank you so very much. this is my biggest problem.

    What is hereditary hemochromatosis?

    Hereditary hemochromatosis is an inherited (genetic) disorder in which there is excessive accumulation of iron in the body (iron overload). It is a common genetic disorder among Caucasians in the United States, affecting approximately one in 240 to 300 Caucasians. Individuals affected with hereditary hemochromatosis may have no symptoms or signs (and have normal longevity), or they can have severe symptoms and signs of iron overload that include sexual dysfunction, heart failure, joint pains, liver cirrhosis , diabetes mellitus, fatigue, and darkening of skin.
    The normal iron content of the body is three to four grams. The total amount of iron in the body is carefully controlled. The body loses one mg of iron daily from sweat and cells that are shed from the skin and the inner lining of the intestines. Women also lose one mg of iron daily on average from. In normal adults the intestines absorb one mg of iron daily from food to replace the lost iron, and therefore, there is no excess accumulation of iron in the body. When iron losses are greater, more iron is absorbed from food.
    In individuals with hereditary hemochromatosis, the daily absorption of iron from the intestines is greater than the amount needed to replace losses. Since the normal body cannot increase iron excretion, the absorbed iron accumulates in the body. At this rate of iron accumulation, a man with hemochromatosis can accumulate 20 gram of total body iron by age 40 to 50. This excess iron deposits in the joints, liver, testicles, and heart, which causes damage to these organs, and causes signs and symptoms of hemochromatosis. Women with hemochromatosis accumulate iron at a slower rate than men because they lose more iron than men due to iron loss from menstruation and breastfeeding. Therefore, they typically develop signs and symptoms of organ damage due to excess iron 10 years later then men.

    How is hereditary hemachromatosis inherited?

    Hereditary hemochromatosis is an autosomal recessive disorder, which means an individual has the possibility of developing iron overload only if he/she inherits abnormal genes from both parents. (An autosomal recessive disorder is different from autosomal dominant disorder in which individuals can develop disease by inheriting an abnormal chromosome from only one parent.)
    The human body is composed of trillions of cells. Inside the inner core (nucleus) of each cell are chromosomes. Every human cell has two sets of 23 chromosomes (total of 46 chromosomes). Each set is inherited from one parent. Chromosomes contain DNA that carries genes that govern all bodily functions including cell metabolism, appearance, height, intelligence, hair and eye color, and other physical traits. Defects in DNA (also called mutations) are passed from one generation to the next, and sometimes can cause diseases.
    There are primarily two mutations associated with hereditary hemochromatosis; C282Y and H63D. The numbers 282 and 63 designate the location of the defects on the HFE gene located on chromosome number 6. An individual who inherits two C282Y mutations (one from each parent) are called C282Y homozygotes, and he/she has a significant chance of developing hemochromatosis. In fact, C282Y homozygotes account for 95% of cases of hereditary hemochromatosis. Patients who inherit one C282Y mutation from one parent and another H63D mutation from another parent are called compound heterozygotes. They account for another three percent of the cases of hereditary hemochromatosis.

    What are the symptoms and signs of hemochromatosis?

    Patients with early hemochromatosis have no symptoms and are unaware of their condition. The disease may then be discovered when elevated iron blood levels are noted by routine blood testing. In men, symptoms may not appear until 40-50 years of age. Iron deposits in the skin cause darkening of the skin. Since females lose iron through menstrual blood loss, they develop organ damage from iron accumulation 15 to 20 years later than men on average.
    Iron deposits in the pituitary gland and testicles cause shrinkage of the testicles and impotence. Iron deposits in the pancreas cause a decrease in insulin production resulting in diabetes mellitus (please read the Diabetes Mellitus article). Iron deposits in the heart muscle can cause heart failure as well as abnormal heart rhythms. Iron accumulation in the liver causes scarring of the liver (cirrhosis) and an increased risk of developing liver cancer. For further information on the consequences of cirrhosis, please read the Cirrhosis article.

    How is hemochromatosis diagnosed?

    Most patients with hemochromatosis are diagnosed early and have no symptoms. Their hemochromatosis is discovered when elevated levels of iron in the blood are found as part of routine blood testing; or when blood iron levels are measured as in screening studies in family members of patients with hereditary hemochromatosis. Some patients are diagnosed as having hemochromatosis when their doctors perform blood iron levels as part of the evaluation for abnormal elevations in blood levels of liver enzymes AST and ALT.
    Blood iron tests
    There are several blood tests that reflect the amount of iron in the body; ferritin level, iron level, total iron binding capacity (TIBC), and transferrin saturation.
    Ferritin is a blood protein whose levels correlate with the amount of iron stored in the body. Blood ferritin levels usually are low in patients with iron deficiency anemia, and are high in patients with hemochromatosis and other conditions that cause an increase in body iron levels. Since ferritin also can be elevated in certain infections such as viral hepatitis and other inflammatory conditions in the body, an elevated ferritin level alone is not sufficient to accurately diagnose hemochromatosis.
    Serum iron, TIBC, and transferrin saturation are often performed together. Serum iron is the measure of the amount of iron in serum (the liquid portion of the blood). TIBC is a measure of the total amount of iron that can be carried in serum by transferrin, a protein that carries iron in serum from one part of the body to another. Transferrin saturation is a number calculated by dividing serum iron by TIBC—it is a number that reflects what percentage of the transferrin that is being used to transport iron. In healthy individuals the transferrin saturation is between 20 and 50 percent. In patients with iron deficiency anemia, the serum iron and transferrin saturation are abnormally low; and in patients with hereditary hemochromatosis the serum iron and transferrin saturation are abnormally high.
    Since serum iron can be elevated by eating and can fluctuate during the day, serum iron measurements should be done fasting, usually in the morning before breakfast.
    Liver biopsy
    The most accurate test for diagnosing hemochromatosis is measurement of the iron content of liver tissue obtained by a biopsy. A liver biopsy involves the removal of a sample of liver tissue for analysis and is usually performed with a needle under local anesthesia. After numbing the skin and the underlying tissues, the doctor inserts the needle into the liver through the right lower rib cage, sometimes under ultrasound guidance. The tissue obtained by the needle is studied under a microscope for signs of active liver disease, fibrosis and cirrhosis (permanent scarring), and iron content (usually significantly elevated in hemochromatosis).
    The liver biopsy also has prognostic value because it determines whether the patient already has irreversible advanced cirrhosis. Patients with hemochromatosis but an otherwise normal liver biopsy have longevity similar to other healthy adults if adequately treated, while patients with cirrhosis as a result of hemochromatosis have significantly reduced longevity. Furthermore, the risks of cirrhotic patients developing liver cancer (hepatocellular carcinoma) are substantially higher than normal subjects even with adequate treatment of the iron overload with phlebotomy (see below).
    Genetic Tests
    The gene for hereditary hemochromatosis was identified in 1996. The gene is referred to as the HFE gene. Hereditary hemochromatosis is associated in most patients with two mutations of the HFE gene; C282Y and H63D.
    A C282Y homozygote is a person who has inherited one mutated C282Y gene from each parent. A C282Y homozygote is considered at risk of developing iron overload. In fact, C282Y homozygotes account for 95% of all hereditary hemochromatosis. Conversely, not every C282Y homozygote develops iron overload. Studies have shown that an estimated 50% of C282Y homozygotes may not develop iron overload or its complications.
    A C282Y/H63D compound heterozygote is a person who has inherited one mutated C282Y gene from one parent and a second mutated H63D gene from the other parent. Most compound heterozygotes have normal iron levels though some can develop mild to moderate iron overload.
    A C282Y heterozygote is a person who has inherited one mutated C282Y gene from one parent but a second normal HFE gene from the other parent. Children born of two C282Y heterozygotes have a 25% chance of being a C282Y homozygote and, therefore, will be at risk of developing hemochromatosis. A C282Y heterozygote does not develop iron overload.
    An algorithm for diagnosing hereditary hemochromatosis is as follows:
    1. Adults suspected of having hereditary hemochromatosis (for example, adult, first-degree relatives of a patient with hereditary hemochromatosis) are subjected to measurements of fasting serum iron, TIBC, transferrin saturation and ferritin.
    2. Patients with elevated serum iron, ferritin, and transferrin saturation of greater than 45% are subjected to genetic testing
    3. Patients with transferrin saturation greater than 45% who are C282Y homozygotes have hemochromatosis and, therefore, should be treated with therapeutic phlebotomy (see below).
    Who should undergo liver biopsy?
    Not all patients with hemochromatosis need to undergo liver biopsy. The purpose of liver biopsy is to identify those patients with cirrhosis and to exclude other possible liver diseases. (Patients with hemochromatosis and cirrhosis are at increased risk of complications, especially liver cancer.)
    Young patients (<40 years of age) who are C282Y homozygotes with normal liver blood levels and serum ferritin levels <1000 ng/ml have a very low risk of having cirrhosis of the liver. Therefore, these patients can be treated with therapeutic phlebotomy without a liver biopsy. Their prognosis is excellent with adequate treatment.
    Older patients (>40 years of age) who have serum ferritin levels >1000 ng/ml, and have abnormally elevated liver blood levels may already have developed cirrhosis. Doctors may recommend liver biopsies in these patients provided that it is safe for them to undergo liver biopsy.

    How is hemochromatosis treated?

    The most effective treatment for hemochromatosis is to reduce iron in the body by phlebotomy (withdrawal of blood from the arm veins). One unit of blood, which contains 250 mg of iron, usually is withdrawn every one to two weeks. Serum ferritin and transferrin saturation are checked every two to three months. Once ferritin levels are below 50 ng/ml and transferrin saturations are below 50%, the frequency of phlebotomies are reduced to every two to three months. When hemochromatosis is diagnosed early and is treated effectively, damage to the liver, heart, testicles, pancreas and joints can be prevented completely, and patients maintain normal health. In patients with established cirrhosis, effective treatment can improve the function of the heart, skin color, and diabetes; however, the cirrhosis is irreversible and the risk of developing liver cancer remains.
    The benefits of therapeutic phlebotomy in hemochromatosis are as follows:
    • It prevents the development of liver cirrhosis and liver cancer if the disease is discovered and treated early.
    • It improves liver function partially in patients who have already developed advanced cirrhosis.
    • It improves function of the heart in patients with mild and early heart disease.

    What are dietary recommendations in hemochromatosis?

    • A normal balanced diet is recommended without avoidance of iron containing foods provided patients are undergoing effective therapeutic phlebotomy.
    • Alcohol should be avoided since alcohol consumption increases the risk of developing cirrhosis and liver cancer.
    • Ingestion of high doses of vitamin C in patients with iron overload may lead to fatal abnormal heart rhythms. Therefore, it is reasonable to avoid vitamin C supplementation until patients are adequately treated.
    • Raw seafood should be avoided since patients with hemochromatosis are at risk of acquiring bacterial infections that flourish in iron rich environment.

    What are the recommendations for screening for liver cancer in hemochromatosis?

    Liver cancers (hepatoma or hepatocellular cancer) mainly occur in patients with cirrhosis. Therefore, patients with hemochromatosis and cirrhosis should have abdominal ultrasound examinations and blood tests for alpha-fetal protein (a protein produced by liver cancer) every six months

    yes i have this i was diagnosed at 16. and lately ive been extremly tired and losing weight. and i cant afford a blood removal. bc of no insurance. so i need to find another way around it and get some energy back.

    home sweet home.

    i could never be happier to see the
    jacksonville sign as i was last night.

    we drove 9 hours the first day.
    slept in el paso texas for 5 hours.
    then drove 24 hours from 3 am til 3 am.
    straight to jacksonville.
    as soon as we got off the exit to jacksonville
    on the cecil commerce road
    the car started to break down,
    needless to say we drove 40 the whole way home.
    2240 miles.
    37 hours of memories made.
    6-7 videos.
    and 300 pictures.

    i definatly needed a road trip.
    this one was exausting.
    but so worth it.
    it made me realize alot i appreciate.
    i will never take home or people i love for
    granted again.


    Tuesday, November 16, 2010

    new years resolutions.

    i know its early but oh well. here goes.


    “Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.”

    enough said. trn.
    2. be engaged or married by december.
    3. start school and dont give up.
    4. become a better person.
    5. let go of all the things i let hurt me in the past.
    6. stop drinking. sober is sexy.
    7. not cut my hair.
    8. have a decent job, and car.
    9. pray a little more. and hate a little less.
    10. more roadtrips.
    11. eat healthier.
    12. see more sunrises.
    13. study more art.
    14. be more considerate of others feelings.
    15. from tradgedy comes strength. remember that.
    16. love those who truelly love me back whole heartedly.
    17. get past my fear of getting hurt.
    18. leave the past in te past and move foreward.
    19. see a little beauty in everything.
    20. get a regular normal sleep habit.

    a heart beats hard, a tear falls harder.

    dear travis richmond nolan,
    you are everything ive ever wanted. you are everything i could ask for. i love your jokes, and how you always try to make me laugh.
    please dont hurt me.

    im sitting in san diego with julls we leave tomorrrow i want to see trav so bad it hurts. sooon.

    ten things.

    ten things noone knows about me..
    hmm lets seee(:
    1. My favorite colors are actually orange, and yellow.
    2. I have a son.
    3. I have a secret love for california.
    4. I live everyday like its my last.
    5. I overthink everything.
    6. I never get jealous. ever.
    7. Im not nosey.
    8. I hate when people swallow loudly.
    9. Or when people smack when they eat.
    10. I have a nailpolish obsession.

    there it is lol(: im not wierd im interesting(:
    jacksonvillle bound tomoroow(:

    Sunday, November 14, 2010

    diamond eyes.

    so cali bound tomorrow.
    there for a few days.
    ill be in sandy eggo.
    then were driving and sightseeing on the way back.
    itll take about four days of 6-12 hour drives.
    alot of videos and pics will be uploaded to www.youtube.com/user/smariiiiie
    it should be awesome.

    trav is gonna have to keep himself busy.
    i wrote him a letter (:
    and we got pics developed yesterday,
    so now im on his dash, and in his walllet.
    and hes next to my bed at home.
    i have to like coax him into taking pictures with me.
    lol he hates it!
    but im a picture whore so i love taking pictures.
    im going to miss him.

    well be gonna about a week or so maybe like 8 days.

    im exausted.
    we went muddin last night and now everything hurts.
    i thought i broke my hand, cause i landed prettyy hard on it.
    and we flipped over the handle bars.
    it was freezing im surprised im not sick.
    my immune system must love me lately.
    im in 80's take over.
    lol of course.
    too many cigarettes and not enough coffee.
    were getting instant coffee for the trip back.
    and a carton of cigarettes.
    everythings packed.
    except my carry on cause i need my make up.
    cahrging camera batteries and ipod.
    cant forget face soap.
    and pillow and blankie, and all motor.
    god im so excited.
    but i need sleep.
    we dont leave til 5 tomorrow.
    we go from here to atlanta, then have an hour layover in atlanta, and fly 3 hours to cali.
    i cant wait to get there.
    we should be having fun, im sure there will be tons of memories made.

    my hairs getting long.
    but it needs to be rib length.
    i need to stop thinnning it out so itll be nice and thick.
    so only cutting sides and bangs.
    and i need a keratin treatment.
    or pretien and i need my ends trimmed but i dont want to cut it shorter so ill just deal.
    anyways more later looking for hotels(:


    Saturday, November 13, 2010


    in 2 days. im going to miss travis. but i need to get out of this town for a while so this is exactly what i need.

    Thursday, November 11, 2010

    with her diamond eyes, and sewn up heart.

    step through the glass.
    let no lie be unseen.
    these are the best days or your life.
    don't waste it like the rest.
    run, don't stop.
    your not wasting one minute.
    you are a god.
    never let anyone tear you down.

    My outfits never match,
    but I think its better that way.
    I love neon and leopard.
    I'm obsessed with my new betsey johnson bag and bape sneakers.
    I want to write a book.
    Drama has just become entertaining.
    Nothing can hurt me anymore.
    As long as I know who I am,
    nothing anyone says can make that change,
    Will & Grace is my new favorite show.
    Laying in bed till 2 is my favorite.
    shaggy hair.
    she is the hippy from the eighties.
    i hate wearing shoes.
    hellokitty has consumed my life.
    through thick & thin,
    this is a war i will always win.
    i will just hold on tight,
    and sit back, while enjoying the ride.
    gasping for everything breath,
    i will live,
    no one can take me down.
    just hold on. everything will work out.
    you have to fight through the bad, to get to the good.
    life can't always be perfect.
    why do i find myself until 6 in the morning when no one is out and the only sound i hear is my thoughts. where is everyone? i'm not tired. i sit in bed, i start thinking, i never stop thinking.

    i love the random adventures. my life is a movie, you never know whats going to happen next.
    All my pieces are finally falling together.
    Everything is making sense.
    In just a few days,
    a new chapter in my life will be beginning.

    I couldn't ask for anything more at the moment.
    And even though I seek to fix my imperfections,
    I am slowly learning to deal with them,
    and turn them into something beautiful.

    No one is perfect,
    and there is no reason to spend your lives
    searching for perfection.

    I am seeking for the other half,
    and the day has come.

    my hairs darker.
    with blonde in it.
    i want it like this eventually;;
    and i want my monroe.
    and new finger tatts.
    and coffffeeeeeeee.
    life is changing better make the best of it.

    CALI BOUND in four days!

    Wednesday, November 10, 2010

    im the berlin wall, go ahead and try to tear me down.

    life. to live life with no regrets.
    to be free, and not let anyone hold you back.
    i dance, dance the night away.
    few hours of sleep.
    i don't care what you say.
    your opinions just build my character.
    i love this. every minute of it.
    i have defined the word reality.
    taking everything in, and not holding back..
    this month is when everything starts to take action.
    thoughts becoming solid ideas.

    im addicted to sunflower seeds.
    i love to lay in bed eatting them,
    while watching marie antoinette with someone i love.
    he gets me, and i get him.
    everything is finally making sense.
    sometimes you have to lose, in order to gain.
    i have learned this many times in my life.
    the pain is what makes you stronger.
    and even though it may seem like the end,
    there is always a way out.. a new day.

    i moved on. i let go. i walked away.
    starting fresh for this new year.
    a makeover of the soul.

    time to get to work.
    photoshoots galore..

    2011. lets make this happen.
    i love LIFE.


    is amazing. enough said. im in love and itll never change.
    i will never leave again. it took leaving to realize that i was truelly deeply in love with him.

    cali bound in a week.
    flying to sandiego on monday the 15th. and then driving back on the 21st.
    hopefully were back by thanksgiving.
    cannnnnooooot wait!
    im going to miss him while im gone though.
    alot of phone calls are going to be made(:


    Sunday, November 7, 2010

    ugly little duckling.

    i miss some things about when i was young. like how when i turn the tv on on saturday mornings its not all infomercials, there were actual cartoons on not these lame ass cartoons these days. theyre all like not normal i guess,, not the ones im used to anyways. im used to the cartoons like bugs bunny, road runner, homestar runner, felix the cat, ect. ect.
    now theres just a bunch of bullshit on tv like who wants to count with mickey mouse, or watch pheneaus and ferb? wth is wrong with the cartoon makers these days? they suck! just saying. idk im ranting over damn cartoons.
    and im dissapointed in disney movies these days too. theyre lame.

    idk things havent been sitting right with me lately. somethings off. and idk what it is. its depressing. like i hate certain things now, and i wont name them here. but i just do and i cant seem to get past these things.
    maybe i moved to fast. maybe i rushed things, ugh im doing it again, i knew i would and now i wish i wouldve been able to take things slowely. maybe i should learn my lesson.
    i feel like um im not going anywhere and he's way to far ahead of me. ugh shits so rice. and hoonestly i dont want to talk about it, i dont want to work it out, it wont work out im not gonna force myself to feel something i dont want to.
    i have a good point ive come to lately..
    how can you fall for someone when your not completely over someone else?
    heres the conclusion... you CANT. it isnt possible.
    anyways. idk. 

    Saturday, November 6, 2010

    idolizing at the moment.

    she could wear a paper bag for a dress and id still love her.

    this hasnt exactly been easy for me either.

    why do we dwell on things from the past? like im an overthinker so i think about something for days before i settle it in my mind, bad habit. but somehow i tend to think sometimes way too much. and idk why im opening up here just am. need to get it off my chest. you know everytime something has happened its taken a piece of me away and ive gotten a little stronger, or so i tell myself. maybe ive gotten weaker and ignored the fact that weakness is a sign of strength? maybe somethings wrong with me? do alot of people do this? idk its so hard to let somethings go for me, i hold onto things that are important to me and sometimes thats NOT a good thing, and i tend to gravitate towards the happier things in my life. which is yet again NOT always a good thing. basically every good memory stores itself into my important things and from time to time i think about these good memories and get either nostalgic or really sad, depending on the memory.
    Nostalgia is often triggered by something reminding the individual of an event or item from their past. The resulting emotion can vary from happiness to sorrow. The term of "feeling nostalgic" is more commonly used to describe pleasurable emotions associated with and/or a longing to go back to a particular period of time.

    i guess it is common.  idk people change, things change, im constantly changing sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. but who knows maybe ill be able to make everything in my head ok someday. for being so young i feel like i have a lifetimes worth of memories. some bad, and alot good. sorting through them has been a very hard task to do over the years. and most of them i cant remmeber alot about that particular person i just remember that memory of them, like last names i cant remember alot of times, or eye colors, or smells. memories fade someone once told me. ha yeah right if they did drugs. memories are like photographs to me. they dont fade for me.

    idk anyways, i smoke to many cigarettes and think to much go figure right.
    so my book i got is good i guess, i havent gotten past chapter one yet, its pretty long come to think of it, esp for some1's family history. but hopeffuuully it turns out great. i keep getting in these creative moods, one minute i want to paint all over the walls the next i want to paint over the paintings. im so damn indecisive sometimes it drives me crazy.

    and that goes for everything in my life nowadays. i want to smoke, i dont want to smoke. i want to settle down, i dont want to settle down. i want and then dont want. im confusing. and im sure ill never fully figure myself out so why do people keep trying to figure me out? i mean sometimes i give up on figuring myself out so idk how these people dont do that and keep trying.

    i guess im being a little harsh on myself tonight..
    i noticed earlier i have alot of pet peeves...
    like the following are a few;;
    i hate wistling, when people cant make decisions for themselves, insecurity, jealousy, scars, when my area is messed with, being interuppted, shit talking, rain unless im going to bed, wind, chill bumps, certain smells, the sound ppl make when chewing or drinking, retarded statements, tripping, immaturity, and people who dont say what they mean to or mean what they say.
    and i mean thats a few the list goes on and on.
    thats sad. horrible, i need to lighten up.
    lets see goals over the next year would be as follows;;;;
    1. job
    2. car
    3. my own apartment in my name.
    4. continue modeling.
    5. expand my clothes and shoe collection. more vintage stuff.
    6. truelly find happiness in myself.
    7. be content with every decision made.
    8. keep moving forward no matter what. never look back.
    9. do not let anyone or anything bring me down.
    10. start school.
    11. do NOT cut my hair. bangs are ok though.

    well im going to bed i think even though im not tired at all. all i want for christmas is ankle boots ( the heel kind preferably two pairs, must be super high heels) and 2 pairs of plain black super tight 00 straight leg jeans. oh and a make up shopping spree. and maybe a few new rings mine are getting a little old. oh annnnnd a pair of non see through leggings please. if i get all that ill be so happy i might cry this year. lol be happy on christmas for once.. is it a possibility? we'll see.

    Thursday, November 4, 2010

    garbage pail gang kid.

    its 3;36 am and i had the best 4 hour nap i can remember having in a long time. i remember falling asleep i just dont know why i was so tired. i had a headache and we started watching ghost writer which sucked btw, and i just was out like a light. now im awake got a shower, and am about to watch walk the line.

    we went to borders today in search of my book im trying to get its edie; american girl who i have mentioned before is my new idol. i love her, shes absolutely amazing. now if only i can find the book without having to order it online..
     we'll see.

    so i am full speed ahead into  my 8-'s fashion era. and its awesome, im in love with the movies, music and styles. hot pants, leggings, leotards, oversized shirts, ankle boots, hats, headbands, im all about it now. it just feels right. i keep getting looked at funny, but i dont care. people dont have an appreciation for what has made the clothes what they are now. if it wasnt for the 80's fashion we wouldnt have the leggings, or ankle boots. so forth and so on for every fashion era. i have a respect for fashion whatever it might be. i always wanted to be a fashion designer, or a model. who knows maybe one day ill get to do both.

    went to art walk. first time in a year, but i think we might go every couple months or something. something different to do in our routines. its always fun to look at art for me, becaause everyone see's it differently. art is expression and interpretation, depends on what mood the artist is in to create the art we see.

    dax is making me a vanity, and we might go hang out with tim tomorrow. i need new pictures. and i love my new hat! anyways here's somethings im into right now and some inspirations(:

    i cant wait for my hair to get long again, i have to remember to take my biotin, so it'll grow faster. i want it to be around rib mid stomach length. and right now its just past my collarbones. and i think im going to go all natural, and not dye it till its all grown out. the ends are horrible! and i cant decide wether to go darker or add blonde. but for now i dont want to make any drastic decisions, so im staying the color it is, which is actuallly a shade lighter than my natural hair color. lol odd i know. but hopefully in a year or shorter itll be all grown out.

    i want a new ipod, mines old and doesnt have enough room. plus the now itouch's have a camera i feel very non-tech since i have had mine for like 3 years now.

    plans for dax's room are underway. lol. um we plan on getting rid of the futon, and single bed and getting a queen bed, and maybe getting another dresser, some nightstands, painting it orange probably, like a flame orange though, and using brown's. surprisingly they go good together, i plan to hang art after its painted. (and no worries ill leave his section for his dark night posters; i wouldnt take away what makes someone happy) fixing the holes, and getting a flat screen. there will be so much more room in here when were done. for now there's a gloomy bear on the wall, its blue in here, and theres too much stuff. im dealing with it though i mean my room at my grandmas is a storage room. haha not much in there is mine besides the bed and dressers and night stands.

    anyways im going to go watch this movie. ive been craving chinese! and sushi(: illl update tomorrow!