Wednesday, May 4, 2011

i havent been on here in a while,

but theres something i need to say.
i miss it, the time when you wouldt hate me, the times we had the numerous laughs.
i feel lost sometimes, feel like i cant do this.

i pick myself up and then something brings me down again, i just wish i could go back to those days. now i miss who you were, and not who you are. youve changed, and in turn changed me.

how can i make this right?

Monday, March 21, 2011

d3ar you.

i let you go.
and you walked away.
remember that you broke my heart into a million pieces.
not vice versa.
idk where you are, or what your doing.
i miss you alot.
but i hope someday you read this and realize what you did.
and i cant wait to see your wedding pictures on fb.
i just hope theyre not to that stupid immature bitch
who treated you like shit.
find someone better and let her go, maybe shell finally
let you live YOUR life without trying to ruin it.

Monday, March 14, 2011


1) Always and forever: zack.
2) New inspiration for hair. and cats(:
3) Peanut butter treats i made for spunks and jake, they love them!
4) again i should say new obsession.
5) I miss this movie!
6) can I buy this map?!
7) "The one i love is dead"
8) art inspiration i have been having lately.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

i havent updated in a while.

but i woke up this morning and my  heart hurt.
hasnt felt this way in a while.
alots been going on, my doctor appt is on may 13th.
so thank god it wasnt and emergency or anything (sarcasm)
IA atlanta is coming up, V2 lab is coming up.
ew ok so my "stalker" lol (shes been named that) is talking to almost all of my ex's
that girl must love sloppy seconds!
and shes trying to be all friends with the KI group. lol none of them know you and already dont like you.
theyre my fam now, so gtfo.
anyways, so races last night, everyone including stalker, and ex trav were there. lmfao.
uh raced a gto and the fan fell off,
ate dinner with granny(: it was schmayyzing.
got some more clothess to take to johns house.
well my house.. our house.
got 3 fish, rajah, samy, and Mr. limpits.
theyre cute as hell!
starting an art series, fiona and franklyn(:
ill have to post pics when im done with the first few drawings(:
my life is pretty goood right now.
i found new pics of zack =/ it hurts.
i miss him more than anyone.
im letting go, im tired of worrying what everyone else thinks.
ive done it wayy to long and i dont care to do it anymore.
im forgetting you, and her.
im walking out on everyone whos walked out on me.
and im starting over.
me, zack, john, and my new fam. and my real fam.
making a break for it.
here goes nothing.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

i know.

that in the past ive made a ton of mistakes. and i used to think you were one of them, but that was my heart trying to protect itself from you again, because it didnt want to get hurt. and i know that things change, have you? i know i have. i know my mindset and my heart are nowhere near as trusting or willing to forgive as they once were, i know ive said i hated you, but i dont. because i know we had tons of good memories, and i thank you for those, they got me through the summer, and made me realize there are better people than the person i was with. i know it didnt go how we planned, or how you planned it to at first but iwill never forget you, i will always be here, and thats just the good in me. and i CANT help it. i was always taught no matter how bad a person treats you to always treat them with kindness, and thats what i do with you. i have no hate towards you. i have no anger. i miss you alot but i wont tell you that, i dont want to make you think its ok to walk all over me becuase im still weak. i still need you, but youll never understand that til its to late. i still see you randomly, but you dont see me. and i know that youve moved on, im ok with that because i want you to be happy. and i dont think you know that either. i can spill my heart out onto this blog, but i doubt that you will read it, or even notice it. if you did then you will finally know how i feel about you. i almost got your last name, but you ended it. and looking back it may have been for the best at the time. theres alot i miss, but i believe that there was initially a plan and thats how it was supposed to go. when your older, married, and have kids i hope you think back and remember me how you loved me the most, and i hope i get invited to your wedding, and baby showers. really i do. because i will always be here for you, and no matter how much ive told you that when you walked away i am not sure how much you believed it. anyways thank you for EVERYTHING you taught me. - stef

Monday, February 28, 2011

chest piece?

mmmmmmm yeah probably would be awesome. and soon maybe? i realllly want it, i might have to get it. ommmmmgaaah.

Saturday, February 26, 2011


ive been in the hospital. ct scan, cat scan, chest xray, pelvic exam, ultrasound, 5 bags of fluids, 4 bags of antibiotics later im home. they thought it might be appendicitis, but it ended up being cysts on my ovaries. theyre causing me to be sick. so within 10 days i have to go see an OB GYN and have them removed. they gave me a ton of medicine. and the pills are just nasty. and i hate taking medicine. but im just glad to be feeling even a little better than i did when i went in the ER.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

confessions, apologies, and facts.

 1. i'm sorry for getting upset over the tiniest of things.
 2. i wish everyone saw me for who i really am
3. i may not be the best friend in the world, but when you need me, i'll always be there.
4. i'm sorry i can't make up my mind.
5. we fight all the time, and bitch each other out. but i know that at the end of the day, you'll always be there.
6. i sometimes dream about being miley cyrus or megan fox, because everyone knows they're beautiful.
7. seven things i hate about you.
8. i hate the way other girls look at you.
9. i hate the way they look at me.
10. i hate listening to modest mouse.
 11. i hate your always right thing..
12. i hate our fake friends in the group.
13. i hate the way you pause before you answer.
14. i hate that the most.
15. i know "hate" is strong word. i know. because hitler used hate against the jews. i know that. and i h a t e using that word.
16. i'm still growing.
17. i really don't like the "n" word.
18. stuffed manicotti. check that shit out.
19. i'm sorry for not giving you the chance you deserved.
20. i hate you. and you know who you are.
 21. i want an iphone with all my heart.
 22. i've never been anybodies. i have a free spirit.
23. i wish we could stay at elementary forever. that shit was the best!
24. one tree hill was thee most amazing show in the world.
 25. i'm sorry for being mean sometimes when your always nice to me.
 26. i'm sorry for letting him ruin me.
27. i wish i was a little prettier.
28. my middle name is marie.
29. i like fashion alot.
30. i've always been horrible at lying. so i dont do it.
31. my grammer and spelling isn't always as good as it is now .
32. i have an obsession with writing.
33. the worlds gonna blow up in 2012. period.
34. i think its stupid when pretty girls call themselves ugly to get attention.
35. i remember that day like it was yesterday. 12/25/10.
36. i wish my hair was long again.
37. i also wish i was married.
38. i'm sorry you dont talk to me anymore.
39. i hate how i can't please you no matter what i do.
40. i hate you, actually thats a lie. i hate myself. i'll never be good enough for you.
41. everyone will always be prettier.
42. i like to believe that i dont care what people think, but thats all i think about.
43. if you really knew me...youd cry when you hear how i think of things.
44. no ones ever really there for me
45. but maybe its because i make them think that i dont need them.
46. i want bleach blonde hair and tan skin sometimes.
47. i'm sorry for not being strong enough or good enough.
48. i really love glasses.
50. everyone has the same fear,the fear of being alone.
51. nobody puts me down as much as you do.
52. i act tough, but with every word you say,i'm breaking on the inside
53. i only hate you because your pretty.
54. i wish when i hung out with you i felt just as confident as you feel.
55. my friends are bitches, they dont get me.
56. this entire time i've been thinking of something good to say about myself.
57. i've never thought of a life without you. but nowi know i should have been grateful for everyday with you.
58. facebook is annoying now.
59. i wish i could sing.
60. actually i wish i could do something important.
61. the beggining of tarzan, when its dark and sad, and theres a tiger wanting to eat tarzan. makes me cry.
62. i wish i could say more truthful stuff, personal stuff. but i know people who know about this site. and i dont want them to know
63. sometimes i get so fed up, i can't even look at myself
64. some people think it may be easy being me, just stand still and look prettyy . < love. those. lyrics.
65. i'm 5'2"
67. i kind of want to say i'm sorry, but I want you to say it first
68. i don't have the slightest clue about what I want to do with my life but I am one hundred percent sure on what I know I don't want to do
69. i wish i had someone.
70. i wish my aunt was proud of me.
 71. i'm sorry but i will never be , who you want me to be.
72. i never said i didnt need you.
73. my hair can't be tamed.
74. i wanna be recognized for the good i do in the world.
75. some days i just like to swing, i like to sit on a swing and let go of everything. my regrets that haunt me, my fears that hold me back and the dreams that would come true. i let go of it all, and swing.
76. i feel this exact same way when i'm on a bike going really fast. because all you really think of is the wind blowing threw your hair, you don't think.
77. i forgive and i forget..usually.
78. i'm sorry for taking you for granted.
79. " you're the best thing thats ever been mine" LOL jk.i have no body.
80. your so damn fineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. jsyk.
81. maybe i should go to college now.
82. sweetie, the best part of you was never him.
83. i say shit i dont mean alot, but you hun have to build a bridge and get over it and stop being such a whiney two faced bitch, sounds good?thanks.
84. it's okay that you don't want me, really its okay.your not the first, and sure as hell not the last.
85. in this weird, twisted way i know you miss me. not because i want to believe it; but because you know you'll never find a girl that will put up with you like i did.
86. you're not oaky, and theres nothing wrong with saying so. you dont always have to say "i'm fine". you can tell people you trust that you're not okay. but if you don't trust anyone, then who are you going to tell?
87. it's not all that bad being alone. sometimes..
88. what is love?
89. i'm sorry, but the idea of you, was way better than you.
 90. LOL jk i don't care what you think.
91. i wish summer was endless.
92. lockitdown. check it out.
93. i'm livin life one day at a time.
94. i miss making forts in the backyard with my little brother.
95. i miss summer in the90's. i miss the smell of summer, and freedom, forgetting completly that your life was horrible in winter.
96. i wanna live like music. i wanna live like a good song, a song that no one will ever forget. 97. i'm sorry for the walls i built.
98. i'd appreciate it if you left your slutty-ness at you're corner, you hoe.
99. i got ninety-nine problems, and they all bitches.
100. i don't like people who are fake around me.
101. i'm in love..
102. my front tooth goes over the other one..just a bit. i want fucking braces.
103. i wish i was more outgoing to people i just met.
104. i'm sorry we didnt talk for 2's my biggest regret.
105. my biggest weakness is monsters.
106. i usually look past what people say about others, and get to know them myself. then realizing there just as awful as everyone says
107. i wish i was as confident as other people.
108. i used to talk too much shit.
109. you're looking like a tool not a baller,you're acting like a slut why bother?
110. i want a dog and  his name will be jeffrey and i will love him so much.
111. i guess it's over due, but im over you.
112. don't get me wrong being with someone is probably awesome, i just don't have anyone and probably never will.
113. i just really want to be worth the fight.
114. i know i sort of pushed you away. but even if i hadn't ,i doubt you would have stayed. 115. my heart can't take this anymore.
116. i'm so sick of everyone.
117. i want you to know this because your one of the only people who has every really been just like me, i know your hurting. i know its hard and its really tough.and i mean really tough.but i dont want you to hide that pain.
118. guys should think girls are pretty on the inside.
119. i honestly can'twait for summer.
120. good is just a word we use to hide what we're really feeling.
121. i have friends, hell i have alot. but i feel so lonely most of the time, because nobody is ever there.
122. you could do much better than me.
123. the future is yours kid.
124. loves not a weapon. yea it pushes you around, and it usually takes your heart , throws it to the ground and stumps on it. but it has good morals and good intentions. its just getting you ready for the fight. love helps us survive.
125. somedays i dont feel like trying and i just wanna give up.
126. Eventually you learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. - Marilyn Monroe
127. i should have given up on you.. a long time ago, i should've yelled crew you. because you treat me like shit. but i stuck with you.  and i hate myself for it, i just wanna be over, with you and all this, i wanna give up so bad.
128. i miss elementary school, just colouring with no purpose, learning new things that youve never known. but now you have to do things for a purpose , and that purpose is your future and now everything youre learning is just advanced. and it sucks.
129. miss you.
130. second chances matter.
131. i'm sorry for being myself.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Thursday, February 10, 2011

and when it is all lost.

i guess what im tryng to say comes out wrong?
i guess im trying to say i miss you,
but it comes out completely wrong.
i dwell.
i think about it alot.
i wonder if you do the same?
i wonder if im nothing to you anymore.
if you miss me like i miss you?
my heart doesnt live in my chest anymore.
you have it all of it.
is that not enough?

if you lose your mind do you get a new one?

so here it goes.
i believe im slowely but surely losing my mind.
i stutter alot now, esp when im nervous, i shake sometimes, and my mind is never ever organized.
the thoughts i have sometimes only make sense to me.
these random things eat away at my mind.
i feel like im losing it.
i dont want to do anything crazy i just always feel like i cant organize my thoughts.
i feel like something is in there and its running through scrambling up my mind all the time.
my thoughts race a hundred mies a minute.
and half the time i cant finish one thought without moving onto something else.
add is in full gear.
the only things that dwell are either zack thoughts, or love life thoughts.
and even then zack thoughts are the only ones that stay very long,
then i fall into depression.
i have waves of it lately instead of full on all the time.
i improve and then i fall back to square one.
i feel like theres noone who gets me, or what im going through.
i feel like im alone 80% of the time.
the other 20% is only cause i force myself around people.
im very grateful for those understanding ppl.
and the ones who back me 100% no matter what my decision.
whether its something as stupid as smoking, or something i want like my moustache tattoo.
theyre amazing.
but im still alone.
im scared to be alone.
alone in my own head i might lose myself.
so i was thinking if you lose your mind, do you have to g find it?
or do you get a new one?
is that how people find themselves?
or go totally insane?

cause im on my way to one of them.

cause i love you and i cant think of anything else.

waaaannnnnnnt this ^^^^^

and then she realized, he's gone.